Restless

Restlessness...

That's been the theme of my past week. Maybe it was because I was hitting the end of my first month, maybe it was because I could see how far I'd come but I was overwhelmed by how far I had yet to go, maybe it was because I was getting used to my schedule and things from home were entering my thoughts more and more.

I didn't know what it had been, but for some reason I couldn't be at peace, no matter what I was doing. If I was reading a book I thought I wanted to be cooking something, but when I started cooking I wasn't happy there either. I would eat something and it didn't satisfy me. I was hungry, but I was full. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. I read my Bible and I prayed, but other thoughts entered my mind and I couldn't stay focused. I felt far away and alone. 

Restless.

Yesterday I finally had enough.
I sat down with my Bible, determined. 
I was not going to be distracted because God was going to help me.  
God was going to make me understand that He is the only one who can make me feel at peace.

I sat down on my couch and quietly prayed "God, I want to be close to you, I want to rely on you for everything, and I want to be filled up by you during this time, but I can't do it by myself. I'm giving this time to you"

I just sat there for a few minutes, just in silence with my Bible in my lap. And I felt this unexplainable peace. I was at peace. I was at rest. I read my Bible and I understood the lessons he was teaching me from it. I prayed and I felt that he was listening, that I was finally getting through and thoughts weren't getting in the way.

I was being fed lies these last two weeks. 
"Read a book, it will make you feel better."
"You just feel empty because you need to eat something."
"If you just watch a movie, it'll make you feel happier."
"Don't pray and read your Bible, it's not making a difference anyway."

Lies.

Lies that were used to keep me from the very thing I needed. 

God.

Lies I've been told time and time again, and still believe. I still fall into their trap. 
This morning I woke up with the same feeling of restlessness.
I miss home, I miss Keagan, I miss my family.

The lies fall in again...
"If only you were with them, they would make you feel better."
"If only you had all the things here that you had back home, then life would be perfect."

But this time, I'm not falling into their trap. I'm not listening to them because God taught me something he's taught me before, but I forget all the time.

None of these things are going to make me feel fulfilled, make me truly happy, or make my life perfect.

God. God is the only one who can do these things.

So, instead of reading a book, eating something, watching a movie, listening to music, playing a game, sitting and wishing things are a different way.

I am going to pray for help and read my Bible. 
I'm not going to use my own strength to try and understand what God wants to teach me, I'm going to fully rely on him.
I am going to be still, and quiet before the Lord and listen to what he wants me to hear.
I am going to trust that God will provide me peace and not let disbelief get in the way.

And I'm going to realize that this is not a one time battle. This is a daily and sometimes hourly fight to blot out the lies and stay focused on God. 

God is not a one-time, fix-all deal. I need God everyday, for every breath I take. It's imperative to remember this so that time isn't wasted trying to fill myself up with worldly things. 

:) God is the great comforter and the great provider.

Prayer request 1: Two boys near where we live... one has skin cancer and the doctors have said he doesn't have long to live. That God would give him and his family peace, and be with them during this time. The other is sick, and his mother doesn't care for him because he has a different dad than the one living with them now. The neighborhood has been feeding him and finally got medical care for him last week, but I don't know how he's doing. That he would feel the love of Christ, because his family doesn't show him any. That God would continue to provide for him, through neighbors or friends.

Prayer request 2: Restful sleep for the missionaries here. A lot of us seem to be having trouble getting a good night's sleep.

Prayer request 3: That I would be at peace through God and relying on him fully for everyday.

My prayer request for my bank to be opened and funds to be available was answered last week! Thank you all for your prayers, I hope you have a blessed week!

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace be with you. 2 Corinthians 13:11